By Roger CohenNEW YORK: French President Nicolas Sarkozy arrives in Washington on Tuesday for a visit billed as sealing "the renewal of ties between France and the United States following the crisis of 2003." Here's how the post-Iraq Franco-American lovefest may unfold at the White House.
BUSH: Yo, Sarko!
SARKOZY: Bonjour, George!
BUSH: I was thinking - it happens - you're now my best friend in Europe. Berlusconi's toast. Where's Blair? As for the ex-Commie Pole, I never could remember his name. I may have to learn French!
SARKOZY: Up to a point, Mr. President.
BUSH (laughing): Yeah, amigo, maybe I'll leave that to Giuliani. What's French for prostate cancer? Well, this is déjà vu all over again! As I said up in Kennebunkport, we've had our good disagreements on Iraq but I never allowed disagreements to not find other ways to work together - or not.
SARKOZY (puzzled): Your philosophy is too clever!
BUSH: Next you'll call me a Ph.D.-type!
SARKOZY: No, no! The important thing is we are family. Iraq is ancient history. Between old allies there can be no divorce.
BUSH (startled): Divorce?
SARKOZY: When husband and wife split.
BUSH: You know, I don't hold it against her, the way she trashed my Maine burgers and corn, but . . .
SARKOZY (interrupting): Speaking of history, I'm going to decorate six of your World War II veterans with the Legion d'Honneur.
BUSH: That's just outstanding, Sarko. Look, you and me are levelers who level with people. I'll be blunt. There's still this opinion that the French are ungrateful wimps who have the opinion they won the war when, in my opinion and our opinion and almost everybody's opinion, we won it for them. So dishing out those legions is good.
SARKOZY: Merci, George. I'm determined to change the image of France here. You know, more than 200,000 new businesses were started last year.
BUSH: No surprise there, Sarko. I've learned since taking office that the French for "entrepreneur" is "entrepreneur." And, since you took office, I've learned the French for "weekend" is not "long weekend." And that's been a revelation!
SARKOZY: The French want to work and make money. The American way! That's why I just gave myself a $200,000 raise. Before, politicians were afraid, but my theory is we're just as greedy as Anglo-Saxons!
BUSH: You still earn about $150,000 less than me, and $17 million less than Charles Prince and Stan O'Neal. So it's the right move. But the way you jumped on the global-warming bandwagon with that pinhead pseudo-prophet, Al Gore! My folks tell me you're going to stop building roads!
SARKOZY: Oui, oui, we levy an eco-tax on pollutant cars, and cut taxes on environmentally friendly products, and double the size of our high-speed train network. Europeans go nuts over this stuff. Ask Angie Merkel!
BUSH (breaking into song): Angie, Annnn-gie, ain't it good to be alive?
SARKO (concerned): Mr. President, are you . . .
BUSH (interrupting): Never could figure the euros. No More roads! Try that in Texas! And you guys oppose the death penalty. We say it's letting 'em off lightly.
SARKOZY: One must look forward. What's new, Mr. President?
BUSH: Well, let's see, what do you make of our Middle East peace conference?
SARKOZY: Not much. You spend six years doing nothing and then you call a big meeting. Bizarre. Still, as we say in France, it's better to appear to do something with nothing than to appear to do nothing with something.
BUSH: Huh? Don't go left-bank on me, Sarko. My view is simple: anything to please Blair! I miss that guy. Brown reminds me it's not difficult to tell the difference between a sour Scotchman and a ray of sunlight.
SARKOZY: No comment, Mr. President.
BUSH: Iran tops our agenda. If they get a nuke they could proliferate. They could become perpetuators of attacks on freedom's march and the homeland's ballgames. And Democrats wouldn't recognize Hitler if they sat down to breakfast with him.
SARKOZY: Up to a point, George. As I've said, the choice could be between the Iranian bomb and the bombing of Iran. Tough diplomacy is how to avoid that. You want three wars in Islamic states?
BUSH: It's mucho, but Dick's still hungry!
SARKOZY: Anyway, no daylight between us, that's my motto!
BUSH: Paris by night between us, that's mine! One decider to another!
SARKOZY: I address Congress tomorrow. What should I say?
BUSH: That they're a bunch of UN-hugging, French-speaking, garlic-eating, cheese-loving losers!
SARKOZY: Pardon? What?
BUSH: Sorry, Sarko. I get terrible flashbacks. God Bless la France!
SARKOZY: Et Vive l'Amerique!
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